Day 31, Calgary: New Records.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Jan 11; Calgary, Canada)

39,500 km.

46 hours of flight time, across 15 flights.

31 blog posts.

10 tours.

8 countries.

Once around.

Day 30, Los Angeles: The Other Half of the Man Show.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Jan 10; Los Angeles, USA)

Last full day of vacation before heading home. :(

In the morning today we had a walk down to Venice Beach, but being the winter it was only a frosty +19C and therefore not very busy so we didn't stay long. (Also I forgot a hat and/or sunscreen.)

The evening brought a cute C-list celebrity encounter. First of, we skipped going to the Tonight Show or Late Show; last night was good enough. Instead, I listen to the Adam Carolla Podcast and had hoped to go see a live taping wile we're in town. (Combined with Kimmel last night, it sounds like we're stalkers of the cast of "The Man Show".) Unfortunately, their first live show of the year is tomorrow night and we leave tomorrow morning. Instead, I found that Carolla would be at a showing of his movie "The Hammer" at a "Second Look" screening at a local art-house theatre, hosted by Illeana Douglas. Tickets were cheap so I picked up a pair and even paid a little extra to get "couch seating". When we arrived we found the couches had "reserved" signs on them and found the "Reserved for Andrew Pane" couch... immediately behind the "Reserved for Adam Carolla" couch, which in turn was right next to the "Reserved for Illeana Douglas" couch. So we had the odd experience of watching a movie with a small portion of the screen blocked out by the back of the head of the star of the movie:

(Podcast fans: the couch also had Lynette with Sonny & Natalia, and I think Dr. Spaz was on the next couch over.)

Afterwards, they did a Q&A session with Carolla, Douglas, and co-writer Kevin Hench.

At the end the announced that the next "Second Look" was going to be watching "Starship Troopers" with Moby in-house to comment. This is the only type of thing that makes we wish I lived in one of the big cities: being able to see cool things like this. A nice evening to end the trip, and CHEAP! The whole thing cost less than $40, though Kimmel last night still wins for most economical day: we just had to pay $4 for parking.

Now we get a short 20 minutes of sleep before getting up to catch out early morning flight home. At least I've managed to cash in my last few upgrade points.

Day 29, Los Angeles: This Week In Unnecessary Blogging.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Jan 9; Los Angeles, USA)

A big theme of this extended vacation is to experience a bevy of different cultures from around the world, and what captures North American culture better than Los Angeles? It also didn't help that I planned the vacation using a map; had I planned it using a globe I would have realized that LA is not an efficient route home from Taipei to Calgary.

Our schedule for today changed rapidly...

Stepping back a bit, before we left Calgary I tried applying to all the late night shows that film in LA. Had I priority ranked which ones I wanted to actually get the list would have looked like this:

1. Kimmel.
2. Conan.
3. Ferguson.
4. Leno.

And so of course I got confirmation of Leno tickets almost immediately, confirmation of Ferguson tickets a few days later, nothing from Conan, and then a week ago I got a letter from Kimmel saying I wasn't likely to get tickets. Figures. Both the Leno and Ferguson tickets were for tomorrow (Friday, Jan 10) so we decided to wait and see who the guests were to decide who to see. When the schedules came up, Leno had Kevin Bacon whereas Fergison had Bob Saget, so it the Tonight Show looked like the winner.

We're staying in Santa Monica so we planned to spend most of the day wandering down to Venice Beach and exploring the pier. This was initially foiled by a brutal battle with jet lag: went to bed at 10PM, woke up at 11:30PM and couldn't get back to sleep until 6AM. As a result we didn't crawl out of bed until nearly 11AM. I checked my email and found confirmation that we tickets for Kimmel tonight (guest Kristen Wiig) but we had to be there in only a few hours. The main problem with this was that we stink: after a month on the road our definition of clean clothes means "hand washed in the tub with soap then stuffed into suitcases alongside dirty clothes". We had spotted a laundromat nearby last night, so I rushed there while Jessica started getting ready. This laundromat will forever be remembered as "the stabby laundromat". I've never seen a shadier cast of characters than those hanging around here; I even checked the soap vending machine to see what cleaners were best for getting blood out of clothes since I figured I was likely to need it.

A very rushed load of laundry and shower later, we were off to Hollywood to spend a long time waiting in line to be loaded into the theatre. Kimmel's studio is very small, fitting perhaps 150 people. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed none of you noticed us and sent us a note.

Afterwards, since we were in the neighborhood I wanted to do some Nerd Tourism and go see Griffith Observatory. Unfortunately, when we got up there the parking lot was packed (not sure why - according to their website there was nothing going on) so the best we could manage was a picture from half way back down the hill.

Sadly, LA is winning the contest for the smoggiest city we've visited this trip, and that's saying a lot considering Delhi was in the contest.

Day 28, in transit: Boredom at 30,000 ft.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Jan 8; in transit from Taipei, Taiwan to ???)

Noting much to report today. We need to get across the Pacific so have our longest flight of the trip coming up: 11 hours with no hope of an upgrade.

Good times.

Day 27, Taiwan: All Asia'd Out.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Jan 7; Taipei, Taiwan.)

A bit of a lower key day today as we spent the morning touring around the city of Taipei: saw the changing of the guard at the Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall, then on to the National War Memorial and National Museum before retiring back to the hotel to catch up on some sleep.

Truth be told, after three and a half weeks in Asia we're running out of gas and ready to return to somewhere where we speak the language and can identify the food. Only problem is there's a rather large body of water between us and that target...

Day 26, Taroko: Two Cthulhu Burgers to Go.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Jan 6; Taroko National Park, Taiwan.)

Not knowing much about Taiwan, a country which nobody playing the guessing game chose, we were curious if its culture was going to match that of Japan in politeness or mainland China in assertiveness. (This was especially on our mind after a fight nearly broke out at customs in Bangkok when a Chinese family tried to jump the extensive queue.) The question was answered when I went to the local burger joint to grab us a late quick dinner and the line cook came out from the kitchen to show me my take-out order to make sure I was happy with all aspects. Also in the Japan category was the “burger” menu itself: I think I ordered a cheese burger topped with a fried egg and a slice of Cthulhu tentacle.

Yet another 5AM wake up call got us on a flight to [I have no idea] as a launching point to Taroko Gorge in Taroko National Park, a narrow ravine made up of white marble.

There's so much marble that everything in the area is plated with it: the bridges, the park benches, the sidewalks, etc.

My review of Taroko Gorge... GORGE-ous! Simply MARBLE-ous!

Actually, scratch that.

It wasn't that great, but it would be a sin to let those puns go to waste. Really we probably are encountering the same thing we did at The French Valley last year: when you've got such beautiful scenery in the Rockies on your doorstep, it's easy to forget how well it compares to other places in the world, and easily to not be impressed when you travel elsewhere.

An unexpected highlight of the tour considering it didn't cost that much was lunch in a five-star hotel which featured authentic Taiwanese cuisine. (The lady sat next to me was Taiwanese but living in Toronto and back for a holiday, and she explained each dish as they were presented.)

Nothing much more to say here. Here's a picture of us by a rope bridge.

P.S. We've been watching the weather back home on CNN... ouch. :(

Day 25, travel day: Artsy Fartsy Myanmar.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Jan 5; in transit from Bangkok, Thailand to ???)

Today is another travel day for us. To the pass the time, enjoy some artsy fartsy photos I took back in Myanmar:

Day 24, Bangkok: Don't Know If Don't Try!

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Jan 4; Bangkok, Thailand.)

Last night I called the front desk to find out what time our tour was picking us up. When he said 7:45AM I thought I was hallucinating, and made him repeat it three times to be sure. We've only slept in past 6AM once or twice since leaving the UK.

The main stop on our half-day tour was the Grand Palace. Very impressive but we came to realize how different it was to be in a city that is used to dealing with tourists, as compared to the past week in the maturing country of Myanmar. Lots of tourists here and the Thai's are good at herding them along. Still, it's an impressive complex.

We were on our own before noon so got the shuttle to dump as at the labyrinthine Chatuchak Weekend Market. Again, we didn't need nor want anything so used it like the hedge maze in “The Shining”: challenged ourselves to find our way to the clock tower in the centre, then to find out way back out the other side.

It was hot and muggy today (34C) so we decide to retire to the hotel for a siesta before heading out to see Bangkok at night. Finding a bite to eat on the way home turned out to be a challenge since our stomachs were remembering our night in Busan and thus the food offered up by the street vendors didn't appeal, and I had my “I want to go home” moment as we gave up and had depressing Asian mall food next to our hotel where we couldn't even figure out how to pay. (I recovered after a recharge at the hotel, though.) We didn't fare much better for finding a good place for dinner and eventually stumbled across an Irish Pub which turned out to be just what the doctor ordered. After three weeks in Asian we're getting sick of noodles and rice; fish and chips were well received.

The main event for the evening was a visit to the famous Patpong red light district. (Kids, once again ask your parents. I really mean it this time... don't read any further until you ask your parents!) Who knew? We decided to just take it all in from the street, despite the barkers promising that "you no like, you no pay" and (in the case of one particularly... um... interesting offer) "don't know if don't try". (Too bad because I'm sure the cats playing table tennis would be an impressive show.) Even creepier than the famous "ladyboys" though, were the single white gentlemen sitting by themselves in the patio bars, clearly... um... recovering between encounters. (Shudder.)

No pictures of tonight though. There's enough of that stuff on the internet already.

Day 23, near Bangkok: Rhymes with “Way”.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Jan 3; outside Bangkok, Thailand.)

Another 5AM wake-up call. I cannot wait to get back to North America to get a proper grind-drip coffee.

We started our tour with a couple from Australia, the husband of which seemed to be doing a bad Crocodile Dundee impression (kids, ask your parents). He even had the hat and greeted me with a loud “G'day, mate!” that Paul Hogan would have told him to tone down. I would have responded with “Take off, hoser!” (once again: kids, ask your parents) but I doubt he would have gotten the reference. We chatted up a storm with them but sadly they turned out to be on a different tour than us and before we left the city they were exchanged for a dour couple from the UK and an ambiguously gay couple from California. (As with our Patagonian holiday trip last year, we're encountering a statistically significant number of gay people on this journey. I'm sticking with my theory that if your family isn't altogether comfortable with your sexual orientation, the holidays make a good time to strike out on a long distance vacation.)

First stop was the floating markets of <>. First we toured around the canals in a small boat to see the local homes of those who live on this “Venice of the Orient”, then were dropped off at the market itself.

Fun to see, but we spent the whole hour there disappointing vendors by not purchasing a single thing. We don't buy much for knick-knacks or gifts anyway (hope nobody at home is expecting anything) and after three weeks on the road we've got what we need.

After that it was off for a bit of historical tourism to see the Bridge over River Kwai, along with a few supporting museums and cemeteries. Our guide repeatedly pointed out that the river name was properly pronounced to rhyme with “way”, not “why”, and that the latter pronunciation was introduced by the movie to make the title more palatable for English-speaking audiences. (“Hollywood,” he excitedly exclaimed, “they make aaaaaanything possible!” At least, that's what I think he said.) He also warned us several times that the bridge in the movie was in Sri Lanka and used because it was more dramatic looking than the real one, as he's had to deal with disappointed tourists in the past.

After that we had a looooooong drive back to Bangkok (almost four hours, though it only seemed to take about 90 minutes to get out there) so we were too tired and ratty to experience Bangkok by night.

Day 22, travel day - part 2: I Will Follow You into Dark.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Jan 2; in transit from Mandalay, Myanmar to Bangkok, Thailand.)

As we left Myanmar we got to meet a different set of people from our cruise than we had during the week. For the shore excursions, the 75 passengers had been divided into five buses according to primary language, so we really got to know the dozen or so fellow passengers of “bus #4 – orange”. However, we all had various exit strategies from the country according to our flights and ongoing tours, so for the last day we got paired with others who were on the same flight to Bangkok as us. As such, we got to meet people I had given nicknames to throughout the week, including “Mexican Kenny Powers” (who turned out to be neither Mexican nor Danny McBride) and “the Gay German Foodies” (the American hangers-on, at least).

After a long travel of day (during which we didn't actually cover much distance – lots of slow connections), we arrived at our hotel in Bangkok. Turning on Aljazeera on the TV to see what's happened in the world while we've been away, we were promptly greeted by... a five-minute report on Rob Ford's bid for re-election. Good grief, Toronto: please stop embarrassing your fellow Canucks.

First impressions of Bangkok: Ben Gibbard is an idiot.

I should explain.

Gibbard is the lead singer for the band “Death Cab for Cutie” and they have a song called “I WillFollow You into the Dark” which features these lyrics:

You and me, have seen everything to see, from Bangkok to Calgary.

Calgarian journalists were curious about this choice of cities to which Gibbard responded “I wanted to have two places that aren't exactly 'destination cities.'” I won't try to defend Calgary in this choice; I know we're not the most international city in the world.

But Bangkok?

The streets are alive with people from all over the world; throngs of tourists. I would say this is American ethnocentrism at its worst, but there are lots of yanks here as well. I guess it's just a rock star with his head so far up his arse that he doesn't realize the world extends beyond the cities where his fan base lives.

But Jessica wants me to say that it's still a good song.

Day 22, travel day: Reflections on Buddhism and Gender.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Jan 2; in transit from Mandalay, Myanmar to ???)

Another travel day for us as we sadly leave Myanmar. As filler, here is a reflection on this country:

We noticed that most of the Buddhist monks in Myanmar wore reddish brown robes.

However, occasionally we came across some wearing brighter orange robes. We asked our guide Khun what the reason was for the difference and he explained that the other monks were visiting here from Thailand, and something to the effect that each monastery chose it's robe colours to match the colour the bark on the local trees turns in the fall. Since the trees are different in Thailand they have different coloured robes to match. Very poetic and fitting with the Buddhist search to be in harmony with nature.

Meanwhile, Buddhist nuns wear pink.

Because they're girls. And girls wear pink.

Day 21, Ava: A Sour Aftertaste.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Jan 1; Ava, Myanmar.)

Happy New Year, everyone. (I realize that it'll be Jan 3 or later before I find an internet connection to get this onto the blog, but still...)

Our last shore excursion was to an area that sadly, though perhaps fittingly, is clearly in the process of losing its innocence to the tourist trade. As our support boat approached the shores of Ava, there was already a large crowd of locals waiting on the shore to try to sell more necklaces, bells, and other trinkets, and once they latched onto you it was hard to get rid of them. Annoyingly, as we went from site to site the locals hopped on bicycles and followed us around trying to badger us into buying the same stuff we told them we didn't want just ten minutes earlier. (One shipmate of ours thought she was be nice and hand out the toiletries from the ship to the young boys, and was immediately swarmed and mobbed by dozens of them pushing each other and her while aggressively trying to grab at her bag. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.) A little unfortunate that this is our last encounter with this country but we won't let it spoil the memory of the week previous.

Instead of the bus, we toured around this area in a series of little two-person horse-drawn carriages.

Tomorrow we leave the ship and fly back to Yangon then out of the country to start the next leg of this adventure...

Day 20, Ayeyarwady River: New Year's Eve.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Dec 31; Ayeyarwady River, Myanmar)

Today we got the day off from touring so we had some time to rest up for the New Year's Eve party. (We're getting old, but we're still well below the mean demographic on this ship so they probably need it more than we do.)

Not much to tell here, standard New Year's Eve fancy dress party: dinner followed by drinks and dancing up on the top deck. A mild surprise was that we managed to make it to midnight, since we normally just give up and go to bed. The real surprise was that nobody managed to injure themselves or others with the rather large handheld fireworks they gave us all.

Wisely, they only played one song after midnight then sent us all to bed; we had to be up bright and early the next day to do more touring.

Day 19, Pakkoku: Ayeyarwady Aflame.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Dec 30; Pakkoku, Myanmar.)

In the morning today we visited the village of Pakkoku and got see an authentic local market.

Throughout this trip as we've traveled through various countries we've gotten a lot of stares. I've been getting them for my height; Jessica has been getting them from other, um, assets. In the market today one young girl just called out to our guide a joke about my height and they both had a good laugh about it.

(In Pakkoku we also visited the local “flip-flop factory” as well as a cigar rolling factory. Both felt like sweat shops as the boys (making shoes) and girls (making cigars) seemed extremely young, and it made us feel like crap despite our guides saying it's just the local way. Move along, nothing more to discuss about that.)

In the evening we were told to head to head to the top deck for a “surprise” which turned out to be 2600 multi-coloured candles set adrift down the Ayeyarwady for our benefit.

In the morning, we came across three villages downstream that had been burnt to the ground. I'm sure that's completely unrelated.

Day 18, Bagan and Salay: Private Tour.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Dec 29; Bagan to TODO, Myanmar.)

This morning you had the option to do an optional sunrise hot-air balloon tour over Bagan or a mountain bike ride around the city. However, you had to book these long in advance and we're not that organized so we just went with the default tour. This turned out to be a good decision since our group was reduced to just three of us (instead of the normal fourteen) so we essentially got a private tour and could make our own schedule.

An unexpected surprise was as we passed one temple we found a parade of people circling it. Turns out it was a “novation” ceremony for young Buddhist monks just entering the monastery. While the novices are praying inside the temple, their family and friends circle around in a parade in costumes and playing music.

(Once again, our guide Khun lamented that in a few years they will start faking this for tourists. As it was, today we were the only non-Myanmar people around.)

Khun then took us to one of the less visited temples which was a nice break from the maddening crowds of the main temples the day before.

In the afternoon we visited the village of Salay which had (brace yourself) more pagodas and Buddha images. We've seen more than a few of each at this point.

Day 17, Tanderbo and Bagan: Contrasts.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Dec 28; from Yanderbo to Bagan, Myanmar)

The irony of our visit to Myanmar is that we chose it to see the country before it gets too opened up to the world and ruined by tourists, and yet in doing that we are contributing to that exact ruination. As our guide Khun often laments when we see something authentic: “In five or ten years, they will only do this fake, for the tourists.” Today was a study in contrasts where we saw both ends of this spectrum.

In the morning we visited the riverside village of Yanderbo where the entire village is involved in the manufacture of clay pots. They don't see many tourists (our cruise normally doesn't stop here; it has a different itinerary for this special Christmas to New Year's outing) so were not attempting to sell anything and mostly just went about producing more pots using their traditional methods.

The afternoon could not have been more different as we arrived in the city of Bagan. With its 3500+ pagodas, this city is the country's largest tourist attraction and each attraction is clogged with tourists (mostly young backpackers) and locals selling souvenirs (who have clearly been taking some lessons in aggressive sales techniques from their Indian brethren). A few more temples and pagodas later and we arrived at the lacquered wood store of the smartest businessman in all of Bagan: he has clean, western toilets and free wifi, so every single tour bus stops there and has a look through his shop. (This is where I managed to make this check-in on Facebook.)

The thing to do in Bagan is to watch the sunset over the thousands of pagodas. To get a view, they allow people to climb up onto only three of the larger pagodas. We got to ours just fifteen minutes before sunset and found it almost ready to collapse under the weight of tourists sitting on it.

We managed to find a spot about half way up. The sunset was worth it, though.

Day 16, Sagaing: Are You Man Enough to Sport a Longyi?

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Dec 27; near Mandalay, Myanmar.)

Another morning of touring temples today, this time across the river from Mandalay in the Sagaing Hills. Loads more pagodas, not to mention a Buddhist nunnery. What I'm mostly proud about is the most advanced selfie ever:

(Careful observers will also spot the most advanced photo-bomb ever as well. Touche to that unknown gentleman. Well played, sir; well played indeed.)

The afternoon gave us a chance to relax on the boat as we cruise down the Ayeyarwady River towards Bagan. (An important side note is that the people of Myanmar observe international maritime law #1: any two individuals with a body of water between them where at least one is not standing on terra firma must wave to each other like four year old children.)

They also taught us how tie the standard Myanmar “everyday” outfit for gentlemen and ladies alike, the longyi.

It's not a skirt. Really.

Day 15, Mandalay: Information Density Fail.

(Posted by Andrew about the events of Dec 26; from Yangon to Mandalay, Myanmar.)

Up at 4:30AM today (4:30! In the AM! This is meant to be holiday!) to catch our flight from Yangon to Mandalay. At the airport we spotted the World Cup Trophy plane for a second time (clearly it's following us – maybe Canada will win the World Cup). As proof, here is an awesome photo I took of it during take-off:

After a brief bag-drop at our ship, the Road to Mandalay, we were off for a whistle-stop tour of Mandalay where we saw many things including Kuthodaw Pagoda, advertised as the world's largest book:

(I'm in that photo but you have to look closely.)

Each of those pagodas contains a 4 foot high stone tablet with a single page of the Buddhist sacred text inscribed on it, and there a thousands of pagodas extending in all directions. As far as books go, it is indeed impressive in terms of overall size, but scores poorly when it comes to information density.

(Some back of the envelope nerd math here: each tablet was about 100 lines each with about 100 characters on each side, double-sided (I think), and the centre of each pagoda was about 5 meters from its neighbour. Assuming 8-bit ASCII encoding, storing the 100GB contents of the laptop I am writing this on should require 5.4 million pagodas in a square area 12 km on each side. However, at least it wouldn't have Windows 8 installed on it.)

While not very photogenic, another site of note was the four-square-kilometre palace: a square stronghold, 2 km on each side, with a 10 meter high wall surrounded by a 100 meter moat, plus an army stockpile inside. The reason it is notable is that this is definitely where I want to be when the zombie apocalypse breaks out. (The Walking Dead can keep their prison.)